1
00:00:06,295 --> 00:00:10,049
♪ I would like to leave this city

2
00:00:10,095 --> 00:00:14,805
♪ This old town
don't smell too pretty and

3
00:00:14,855 --> 00:00:18,484
♪ I can feel the warning signs

4
00:00:18,535 --> 00:00:22,289
♪ Running around my mind

5
00:00:23,495 --> 00:00:26,089
♪ So what do you say?

6
00:00:26,135 --> 00:00:30,845
♪ You can't give me the dreams
that are mine anyway

7
00:00:30,895 --> 00:00:34,171
♪ You're half the world away

8
00:00:35,535 --> 00:00:38,368
♪ Half the world away

9
00:00:39,335 --> 00:00:42,293
♪ Half the world away ♪

10
00:00:42,335 --> 00:00:46,374
- (Jim) Where's mine, Barb?
- I've only got one pair of hands.

11
00:00:48,135 --> 00:00:50,126
You know him from t'flats?

12
00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:52,166
Who? There's loads of people there.

13
00:00:52,215 --> 00:00:56,652
You know which one. Him who
always wears that string for a belt.

14
00:00:56,695 --> 00:00:58,970
Oh, him. Bloody Worzel Gummidge.

15
00:00:59,015 --> 00:01:04,328
Too tight to buy a belt but I tell you what,
he can always afford a bloody pint.

16
00:01:04,375 --> 00:01:06,809
- He came in the baker's today.
- Hm?

17
00:01:07,935 --> 00:01:10,529
He bought a sliced loaf.

18
00:01:14,975 --> 00:01:18,012
Well, what are you telling me that for?

19
00:01:18,055 --> 00:01:22,685
You can't say anything in this house
without having your head bitten off.

20
00:01:22,735 --> 00:01:25,169
- (Woman) For real family fun...
- It's only me!

21
00:01:25,215 --> 00:01:28,810
- Family Fortunes.
- We should go on Family Fortunes.

22
00:01:28,855 --> 00:01:33,485
- I'd go to pieces, me.
- Most of them are thick as pig shit.

23
00:01:33,535 --> 00:01:35,765
Les Dennis is no bloody better.

24
00:01:35,815 --> 00:01:40,172
If you put his brain
in a bloody hazelnut shell, it'd still rattle.

25
00:01:40,215 --> 00:01:44,003
I tell you what. Once,
they asked 100 members of the public

26
00:01:44,055 --> 00:01:46,046
to name something green,

27
00:01:46,095 --> 00:01:50,134
and the old woman
who was the contestant,

28
00:01:50,175 --> 00:01:53,167
she said her cardigan.

29
00:01:53,215 --> 00:01:55,683
- Eh-uh!
- (Jim) Ee-or!

30
00:01:55,735 --> 00:01:59,205
(Barbara) What's wrong with that?
It was green.

31
00:01:59,255 --> 00:02:01,849
How would the members of the bloody
public know?

32
00:02:01,895 --> 00:02:03,567
They'd never seen her before!

33
00:02:03,615 --> 00:02:07,608
Don't bother writing in.
She'd make a bloody show of us.

34
00:02:14,015 --> 00:02:16,927
What's the matter?
You've got a face like a smacked arse.

35
00:02:16,975 --> 00:02:20,570
- I didn't want beans.
- (Barbara) There's hardly any there.

36
00:02:20,615 --> 00:02:24,574
- Give 'em here. I'll have 'em.
- They're touching me chop.

37
00:02:24,615 --> 00:02:27,891
Who do you think you are, girl,
bloody Lady Muck?

38
00:02:27,935 --> 00:02:30,688
I've got bean juice on me chop now.

39
00:02:30,735 --> 00:02:33,807
You've got bean juice on your beard.

40
00:02:33,855 --> 00:02:36,449
I was saving that for after.

41
00:02:43,095 --> 00:02:45,734
Mary next door's got a microwave.

42
00:02:45,775 --> 00:02:48,164
Me and Dave's getting a microwave.

43
00:02:48,215 --> 00:02:50,604
- Should I get a food processor?
- Ooh.

44
00:02:50,655 --> 00:02:53,374
What for?
Just stick to the old chip pan, love.

45
00:02:53,415 --> 00:02:57,203
- Not gonna have chips every night.
- What you gonna have?

46
00:02:57,255 --> 00:02:59,974
I don't know. Pasta, stuff like that.

47
00:03:00,015 --> 00:03:02,927
- Pasta, my arse.
- Does Dave know about this?

48
00:03:02,975 --> 00:03:05,489
- Yeah.
- And he still wants to marry you?

49
00:03:05,535 --> 00:03:08,493
Not for what I'm like in the kitchen.

50
00:03:08,535 --> 00:03:11,095
(Antony) It's what you're like
in the bedroom.

51
00:03:11,135 --> 00:03:13,695
Cut it out, you, Lurch.

52
00:03:14,335 --> 00:03:16,610
Who threw you nuts?

53
00:03:16,655 --> 00:03:21,285
What I'm gonna do is,
I'm gonna make, like, a lasagne, freeze it

54
00:03:21,335 --> 00:03:24,372
and then he can heat it up
in the microwave when he gets home.

55
00:03:24,415 --> 00:03:27,009
Look at you, Denise,
you've got it all mapped out.

56
00:03:27,055 --> 00:03:31,571
I wish I was like you. Do you know,
when I was your age, we knew nothing.

57
00:03:31,615 --> 00:03:34,891
Only stuff I've read in magazines.

58
00:03:34,935 --> 00:03:36,971
Who's getting you a freezer, then?

59
00:03:37,015 --> 00:03:40,451
I've put it on the wedding list,
with the microwave.

60
00:03:40,495 --> 00:03:43,134
And I'm gonna put a food processor on.

61
00:03:43,175 --> 00:03:46,770
Is there nowt cheaper
on this bloody wedding list?

62
00:03:49,935 --> 00:03:52,051
I'm gonna get a dishwasher and all.

63
00:03:52,095 --> 00:03:56,168
If Dave thinks I'm doing pots every night,
he's got another think coming.

64
00:03:56,215 --> 00:03:59,207
They're going right in that dishwasher.

65
00:04:06,895 --> 00:04:09,967
- You gonna eat the fat off your chop?
- No.

66
00:04:10,855 --> 00:04:15,565
Just give it to your old dad.
I'll look after that for you, love.

67
00:04:16,855 --> 00:04:19,528
I'll go to that butcher's again.

68
00:04:19,575 --> 00:04:22,408
That's the one
where Dave's mate Gary works.

69
00:04:23,535 --> 00:04:26,925
- What, him who smells of mince?
- (Denise) Yeah, him.

70
00:04:28,055 --> 00:04:31,331
You should have got him to serve you,
he'd have given you extra.

71
00:04:31,375 --> 00:04:34,367
He were out the back, mincing.

72
00:04:35,535 --> 00:04:38,845
I hope he's not gonna come round
all the time when we're married.

73
00:04:38,895 --> 00:04:43,366
He's a right knobhead, him.
I just wish he'd get himself a girlfriend.

74
00:04:43,415 --> 00:04:46,054
Didrt he go with that Sandra Beswick?

75
00:04:46,095 --> 00:04:49,724
She couldn't stand him. She said
he had blood under his fingernails.

76
00:04:49,775 --> 00:04:51,731
Ooh.

77
00:04:51,775 --> 00:04:55,006
- Did I tell you she's gone mobile now?
- Who, Sandra Beswick?

78
00:04:55,055 --> 00:04:58,013
Yeah. She's calling herself
Sandy Scissors.

79
00:04:58,055 --> 00:05:00,205
I'm still calling her Sandra.

80
00:05:00,255 --> 00:05:04,646
(Barbara)
Ooh. Everyone's gone mobile nowadays.

81
00:05:05,695 --> 00:05:09,085
She only needs to do four clients
a day to cover costs, she reckons.

82
00:05:09,135 --> 00:05:11,171
And how many does she do?

83
00:05:11,215 --> 00:05:15,254
- About seven a day.
- Bloody hell, she must be raking it in.

84
00:05:15,295 --> 00:05:18,093
Hey, how much does she charge
for a perm?

85
00:05:18,135 --> 00:05:22,413
About 22 quid, but don't forget
she's using your electricity, your water

86
00:05:22,455 --> 00:05:25,527
- and supping your brews.
- Oh, that's a dear do.

87
00:05:25,575 --> 00:05:27,850
Don't think I can afford
to get done mobile.

88
00:05:27,895 --> 00:05:30,887
Bloody hell,
you should get a trade like that.

89
00:05:30,935 --> 00:05:34,928
Get out. I don't wanna go round
doing scabby old womers hair.

90
00:05:34,975 --> 00:05:37,614
Our Antony's the one
who should do hairdressing,

91
00:05:37,655 --> 00:05:39,168
the time he spends on his own.

92
00:05:39,215 --> 00:05:41,206
As if.

93
00:05:42,975 --> 00:05:45,364
- Dave goes to Unicut.
- (Antony scoffs)

94
00:05:45,415 --> 00:05:48,771
- Only weighing up the local talent.
- What do you mean?

95
00:05:48,815 --> 00:05:52,410
- Loads of dolly birds in there.
- Get out. Dave's not like that.

96
00:05:52,455 --> 00:05:54,730
(Barbara) All men are like that.

97
00:05:54,775 --> 00:05:57,733
Hey, Dave don't look at any other women
when he's with me.

98
00:05:57,775 --> 00:06:01,563
- Don't he?
- No. I'd knock his bloody block off.

99
00:06:01,615 --> 00:06:03,765
(Chuckles)

100
00:06:03,815 --> 00:06:07,808
Hey, when you're married,
what night are you coming for your tea?

101
00:06:07,855 --> 00:06:10,847
Hey, it's took us 26 years
to get bloody rid of her.

102
00:06:10,895 --> 00:06:13,409
I was thinking Tuesday and Thursday.

103
00:06:13,455 --> 00:06:15,969
And maybe Saturday and Sunday.

104
00:06:16,015 --> 00:06:18,973
- I'll have to check with Dave.
- Aww. That's nice.

105
00:06:19,015 --> 00:06:22,769
- I'll do you some of that pasta stuff.
- Oh, yeah.

106
00:06:22,815 --> 00:06:24,646
(Jim) Pasta, my arse.

107
00:06:24,695 --> 00:06:27,528
We'll have to go
to his mam and dad's one night.

108
00:06:27,575 --> 00:06:30,135
You wanna pack some sandwiches, then.

109
00:06:30,175 --> 00:06:31,688
Has Dave's dad ever worked

110
00:06:31,735 --> 00:06:34,454
or has he always
been on this disability allowance?

111
00:06:34,495 --> 00:06:37,055
I told you, he worked at Duggars.

112
00:06:37,095 --> 00:06:40,326
Duggars? They've been shut
for at least 12 bloody years.

113
00:06:40,375 --> 00:06:43,253
Can he get me
on this disability allowance?

114
00:06:43,295 --> 00:06:47,004
- (Denise) He's got a bone disease.
- It's called bone idleness.

115
00:06:47,055 --> 00:06:48,568
(Denise) Give it a rest.

116
00:06:48,615 --> 00:06:51,413
I've gotta sweat bloody blood
to pay for this wedding.

117
00:06:51,455 --> 00:06:53,889
Old lazy arse is paying for bugger all.

118
00:06:53,935 --> 00:06:56,324
Why don't you just
not bother giving a speech?

119
00:06:56,375 --> 00:06:59,094
Why not just copy a list of the costs
and hand it round?

120
00:06:59,135 --> 00:07:03,094
I'd give a copy to bloody peg leg,
for a start, if I did.

121
00:07:03,135 --> 00:07:07,765
- Put another record on, Dad.
- Be a record if he bloody bought a drink.

122
00:07:07,815 --> 00:07:09,806
Eh.

123
00:07:17,175 --> 00:07:19,370
How are you getting on with Dave?

124
00:07:19,415 --> 00:07:22,054
- Fine.
- Ah.

125
00:07:22,095 --> 00:07:24,404
Eh, he'll be having his tea now,
won't he?

126
00:07:24,455 --> 00:07:26,889
Mm. Yeah.

127
00:07:28,215 --> 00:07:30,365
Ah. He's a lovely lad.

128
00:07:30,415 --> 00:07:33,248
(Denise) Yeah.
(Jim) Aye.

129
00:07:33,295 --> 00:07:35,525
- You could have done worse.
- (Denise) Ah.

130
00:07:35,575 --> 00:07:38,567
You could have married
his bloody father.

131
00:07:41,775 --> 00:07:45,051
There's absolutely nothing left
on that chop now, Dad.

132
00:07:46,535 --> 00:07:48,890
Have you finished, Antony?

133
00:07:48,935 --> 00:07:53,167
Take it off him before he wipes
the bloody pattern off it.

134
00:07:53,215 --> 00:07:56,446
- Right, who wants apple pie?
- Oh, yeah!

135
00:07:56,495 --> 00:07:58,292
- Did you make it, Barb?
- No.

136
00:07:58,335 --> 00:08:01,372
- Go on, I'll have some, then.
- Cheeky so-and-so.

137
00:08:01,415 --> 00:08:05,010
- I'll have some.
- Keep hers away from the beans.

138
00:08:06,575 --> 00:08:09,248
Dad, can you do us a borrow?

139
00:08:09,295 --> 00:08:15,165
Borrow my arse. I tell you what, I should
be entitled to disability allowance.

140
00:08:15,215 --> 00:08:17,888
Because this wedding's
bloody crippling me.

141
00:08:17,935 --> 00:08:21,610
What gets me, right, on the wedding
night, you'll be there, right,

142
00:08:21,655 --> 00:08:26,285
getting everyone drinks, showing off,
like as if you're Mr Generous Head.

143
00:08:26,335 --> 00:08:29,327
I can't do right for doing bloody wrong.

144
00:08:33,455 --> 00:08:36,253
I feel bad,
not being able to dance with him.

145
00:08:36,295 --> 00:08:38,445
- With who?
- Dave's dad.

146
00:08:38,495 --> 00:08:41,055
You can do Knee Up Mother Brown.

147
00:08:43,175 --> 00:08:45,564
I love squirty cream.

148
00:08:52,695 --> 00:08:54,686
(Sighs)

149
00:08:56,575 --> 00:09:01,046
Ooh, eh, I'm going to Marks's tomorrow
to get Mary a long cardigan.

150
00:09:01,095 --> 00:09:03,484
Why are you buying Mary's clothes?

151
00:09:03,535 --> 00:09:06,333
It's a birthday present from Joe.

152
00:09:06,375 --> 00:09:08,764
Why are you buying presents for Joe?

153
00:09:08,815 --> 00:09:12,046
- He don't know what she wants.
- How do you know what she wants?

154
00:09:12,095 --> 00:09:14,529
- I've asked her.
- Why didn't he bloody ask her?

155
00:09:14,575 --> 00:09:19,695
It's a surprise. Anyway,
I can't see Joe in Marks, can you?

156
00:09:19,735 --> 00:09:22,249
Just make sure
you get the bloody money off him.

157
00:09:22,295 --> 00:09:23,853
What are you getting her, Mam?

158
00:09:23,895 --> 00:09:28,093
I thought I'd give her that bubble bath
I got from Auntie Margaret.

159
00:09:28,135 --> 00:09:31,730
- Is there any more of that pie?
- You've had the lot.

160
00:09:31,775 --> 00:09:34,164
Bloody hell. Have you got worms?

161
00:09:35,975 --> 00:09:40,127
- Give us one of them ciggies, Mam.
- It's bad for you. You shouldn't smoke.

162
00:09:40,175 --> 00:09:42,166
I only want one.

163
00:09:43,015 --> 00:09:45,324
Are you gonna get them pots done?

164
00:09:45,375 --> 00:09:48,128
No, it's Denise's turn.

165
00:09:51,015 --> 00:09:53,575
- Go on, then.
- Go on, take one.

166
00:09:53,615 --> 00:09:58,211
You shouldn't be bribing him.
He lives here bloody rent-free.

167
00:10:02,055 --> 00:10:06,731
They're dead strict about smoking
at the baker's. No way can you light up.

168
00:10:06,775 --> 00:10:11,053
It's health and safety. We have
to take it in turns to nip to the toilet.

169
00:10:11,095 --> 00:10:12,767
You can't do anything nowadays.

170
00:10:12,815 --> 00:10:15,807
Them health and safety,
they won't let you wipe your arse.

171
00:10:15,855 --> 00:10:19,006
Some places
are only taking on nonsmokers.

172
00:10:19,055 --> 00:10:23,094
- So don't smoke in the interview.
- What places?

173
00:10:23,135 --> 00:10:25,126
Flat-nosed Alan went for a job

174
00:10:25,175 --> 00:10:28,167
at the petrol station on the roundabout.

175
00:10:31,295 --> 00:10:33,855
(Bob Monkhouse)
No trip to Hollywood is complete

176
00:10:33,895 --> 00:10:36,125
without a visit
to Manrs Chinese Theater,

177
00:10:36,175 --> 00:10:38,131
used to be Graumars Chinese Theater.

178
00:10:38,175 --> 00:10:40,973
- It was the Mecca for all the stars...
...trainers...

179
00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:43,768
She's a big girl, that Vanessa, isn't she?

180
00:10:43,815 --> 00:10:47,251
(Barbara) Mm. Tell me
if I get like that, won't you?

181
00:10:47,295 --> 00:10:49,286
Yeah.

182
00:10:50,895 --> 00:10:53,853
Were you and Dave arguing last night?

183
00:10:53,895 --> 00:10:58,889
Yeah. He was doing me head in.
He won't talk proper about the wedding.

184
00:10:58,935 --> 00:11:02,405
What's there to talk about?
I'm paying for the bloody lot.

185
00:11:02,455 --> 00:11:04,207
His dad's paying for nothing.

186
00:11:04,255 --> 00:11:06,246
Bloody hell.

187
00:11:06,295 --> 00:11:08,411
(Sighs) http://titlovi.com/

188
00:11:10,215 --> 00:11:11,728
You gonna make a brew or what?

189
00:11:11,775 --> 00:11:14,608
I've got a throat here
like Gandhi's bloody flip-flop.

190
00:11:14,655 --> 00:11:17,089
Mash the tea, Antony.

191
00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:19,695
- (Clattering)
- MandS running shoes...

192
00:11:19,735 --> 00:11:21,885
So how did you leave it with Dave?

193
00:11:21,935 --> 00:11:24,574
I was telling him what we wanted
for the wedding.

194
00:11:24,615 --> 00:11:28,403
He was more interested
in his kebab and watching the telly.

195
00:11:28,455 --> 00:11:33,085
(Vanessa Feltz) These Pumas seem more
like it. Better-Iooking with more support.

196
00:11:33,135 --> 00:11:36,127
I wanted to come down
and see what was happening,

197
00:11:36,175 --> 00:11:38,769
- but he wouldn't let me.
- These are more my style.

198
00:11:38,815 --> 00:11:42,410
Dave'd have liked to go abroad,
like Karen and Gareth.

199
00:11:42,455 --> 00:11:45,925
They got married in the Seychelles,
had the ceremony on the beach.

200
00:11:45,975 --> 00:11:50,173
Ooh, I wouldn't like that.
That's selfish. It's a day for your family.

201
00:11:50,215 --> 00:11:51,694
- Yeah.
- Next, Adidas...

202
00:11:51,735 --> 00:11:55,205
(Antony) Pamela Anderson got married
in a white bikini.

203
00:11:55,255 --> 00:11:58,372
- What's that got to do with it?
- Nothing.

204
00:11:58,415 --> 00:12:01,646
(Jim) He wouldn't have too much
to take off on the wedding night.

205
00:12:01,695 --> 00:12:05,813
It's not as if he hasn't seen it all before.
We all have.

206
00:12:05,855 --> 00:12:08,130
Yeah.

207
00:12:08,175 --> 00:12:10,609
- Hey, Dad, would you?
- (Jim) What?

208
00:12:10,655 --> 00:12:13,965
- Pamela Anderson.
- Would I!

209
00:12:15,135 --> 00:12:19,208
No, I've got everything I want
there in your mother.

210
00:12:19,255 --> 00:12:22,850
You gonna make that cup of tea,
Barb, or what?

211
00:12:26,095 --> 00:12:31,215
(Antony) Dad, how come Charlie Liddell
from the Feathers always wears a suit?

212
00:12:31,255 --> 00:12:35,214
Some fellas are like that, aren't they?
Especially old fellas.

213
00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:39,089
- What do you mean?
- Your grandad, my dad, wore a suit.

214
00:12:39,135 --> 00:12:41,205
Collar, shirt and a bloody tie and that.

215
00:12:41,255 --> 00:12:43,689
Well, why don't you, then?

216
00:12:43,735 --> 00:12:47,091
Me? I'm with it.

217
00:12:50,375 --> 00:12:52,366
(

218
00:12:53,575 --> 00:12:56,248
...Garth Crooks, the frontrunner...

219
00:12:56,295 --> 00:12:58,286
Here you are.

220
00:12:59,015 --> 00:13:01,165
- Ta, love.
- (Barbara) Denise.

221
00:13:01,215 --> 00:13:03,854
- (Denise) Ms.
- Antony.

222
00:13:10,375 --> 00:13:12,730
(Slurping)

223
00:13:12,775 --> 00:13:15,573
Mam, will you tell Antony
to stop slurping his tea?

224
00:13:15,615 --> 00:13:17,845
Antony, stop slurping your tea.

225
00:13:17,895 --> 00:13:20,693
Dave eats like a pig
and you never say owt to him.

226
00:13:20,735 --> 00:13:24,410
He does not eat like a pig.
That's asthma, thanks very much.

227
00:13:24,455 --> 00:13:27,367
The two of you could eat
for bloody England.

228
00:13:27,415 --> 00:13:30,532
Dad! Stop fiddling with yourself.

229
00:13:30,575 --> 00:13:33,169
I'm not! I paid a quid
for these underpants.

230
00:13:33,215 --> 00:13:35,604
Got 50 pence won'th stuck up me arse.

231
00:13:35,655 --> 00:13:37,930
- Mam, tell him.
- She's right.

232
00:13:37,975 --> 00:13:40,773
Not picking your arse,
you're picking your teeth.

233
00:13:40,815 --> 00:13:45,286
I'll pick what I like in me own house. In
her house, she can pick what she likes.

234
00:13:45,335 --> 00:13:48,884
Her nose, her arse, her teeth.
Just treat yourself.

235
00:13:48,935 --> 00:13:51,972
Ooh, I'm ashamed of this family.
I am, really.

236
00:13:52,015 --> 00:13:56,611
...Ben Elton and Hollywood star
Robin Williams have gone before.

237
00:13:56,655 --> 00:13:58,691
20 minutes of stand-up at Londors...

238
00:13:58,735 --> 00:14:02,011
Oh, you know that Donna
that works with me?

239
00:14:02,055 --> 00:14:05,491
Well, she only works half days.

240
00:14:05,535 --> 00:14:09,608
Afternoons. Her mam usually
picks the kids up for her. Anyway.

241
00:14:09,655 --> 00:14:14,171
Her mam's going into hospital, so she
won't be able to pick the kids up.

242
00:14:14,215 --> 00:14:20,290
So Donna wants to swap to mornings,
so she has to see Pauline.

243
00:14:20,335 --> 00:14:24,886
She goes to see Pauline and says,
"Can I swap to mornings?"

244
00:14:24,935 --> 00:14:28,450
She tells her about her mam
and the hospital and all that.

245
00:14:28,495 --> 00:14:34,047
Pauline's not having any of it.
She's got herself in a right pickle.

246
00:14:34,095 --> 00:14:36,290
What's she going to do?

247
00:14:38,095 --> 00:14:40,086
What you on about?

248
00:14:40,135 --> 00:14:43,207
- Donna.
- (Jim) What's the matter with her?

249
00:14:43,255 --> 00:14:46,565
Well, her mam, you see,
usually picks the kids up for her

250
00:14:46,615 --> 00:14:50,733
in the afternoons after school,
but she's going in hospital,

251
00:14:50,775 --> 00:14:53,847
so she won't be able
to pick the kids up from school, will she?

252
00:14:53,895 --> 00:14:57,285
So Donna wanted to swap,
Pauline won't let her,

253
00:14:57,335 --> 00:15:00,407
so she's stuck for someone
to pick the kids up.

254
00:15:00,455 --> 00:15:03,652
What's that got to do with you?
It's not your bloody problem.

255
00:15:03,695 --> 00:15:07,449
- I'm just telling you.
- I've got enough to worry about.

256
00:15:07,495 --> 00:15:09,133
(Barbara sighs)

257
00:15:09,175 --> 00:15:13,248
You've no interest
in anybody but yourself, Jim.

258
00:15:13,295 --> 00:15:16,731
(TV) The writing team
needs hundreds of new lines.

259
00:15:16,775 --> 00:15:18,572
250 come from...

260
00:15:18,615 --> 00:15:22,005
Ah, eh, your nana's coming
for the day on Sunday.

261
00:15:22,055 --> 00:15:24,774
Ah. Who's gonna pick her up?

262
00:15:24,815 --> 00:15:26,965
Your dad can get her on the bus.

263
00:15:27,015 --> 00:15:30,212
- Why can't she get the bus herself?
- She's 82.

264
00:15:30,255 --> 00:15:33,372
- She should know the way by now.
- You're going.

265
00:15:33,415 --> 00:15:37,931
- She gets the bus to the bingo.
- You'd go if it was your mother.

266
00:15:37,975 --> 00:15:41,968
I'd have a bloody job.
She's been dead 15 years.

267
00:15:43,095 --> 00:15:45,131
(Man) This, I think, is quite original.

268
00:15:45,175 --> 00:15:48,770
This Christmas,
have a drink on me. You open it...

269
00:15:48,815 --> 00:15:52,569
Ah. She'll be looking forward
to coming all week.

270
00:15:52,615 --> 00:15:56,733
- Yeah.
- All she does here is watch the telly.

271
00:15:56,775 --> 00:16:00,848
Well, it's nice for her to watch the telly
in somebody else's house.

272
00:16:01,015 --> 00:16:03,734
It's company for her.

273
00:16:03,775 --> 00:16:08,246
- If I ever get like that, shoot me.
- Quick. Who's got a gun?

274
00:16:08,895 --> 00:16:12,808
Hey, mallet head,
have you done the pots?

275
00:16:12,855 --> 00:16:16,928
She was asking what you wanted
for your wedding. I said money.

276
00:16:16,975 --> 00:16:19,535
She's gonna put a fiver
in an envelope for you.

277
00:16:19,575 --> 00:16:22,726
- Aww. Bless her.
- Bless her, my arse.

278
00:16:22,775 --> 00:16:25,335
It's costing £5.50 a head
for the bloody meal,

279
00:16:25,375 --> 00:16:28,367
so she's 50p up before she gets there.

280
00:16:30,815 --> 00:16:33,409
What time does she want me
to go for her?

281
00:16:33,455 --> 00:16:37,971
Make it about 11.30, so she's got time
to sort herself out in t'morning.

282
00:16:38,015 --> 00:16:40,210
Find her teeth, you mean.

283
00:16:42,255 --> 00:16:46,248
- I think I'll do chicken.
- (Antony) Bagsy me breast.

284
00:16:48,895 --> 00:16:52,410
- (Jim) Is there any tea left?
- It'll be stewed by now, love.

285
00:16:52,455 --> 00:16:55,049
Well, as long as it's wet and warm.

286
00:16:55,095 --> 00:16:57,655
Action Man, do the honours.

287
00:16:59,255 --> 00:17:02,930
Right, let's have a look
what's on this old telly.

288
00:17:02,975 --> 00:17:06,365
Oh, not him.
I'm sick of that bloody Columbo.

289
00:17:07,655 --> 00:17:11,489
- Who's that one in the wheelchair?
- That's Dave's dad.

290
00:17:11,535 --> 00:17:15,528
That's Ironside, actually,
I think you'll find, Dad.

291
00:17:16,735 --> 00:17:20,250
I saw him in another
telly programme once, walking.

292
00:17:20,295 --> 00:17:24,288
- Well, it wasrt Ironside, then, was it?
- No, but it was him.

293
00:17:25,615 --> 00:17:28,004
(Jim) What was his name?

294
00:17:30,735 --> 00:17:35,604
Raymond Burr, that's his name.
I'll never forget that as long as I live.

295
00:17:35,655 --> 00:17:38,010
You just did.

296
00:17:38,055 --> 00:17:41,172
He only done two series of Ironside,
you know.

297
00:17:41,215 --> 00:17:43,729
He was sick of getting pushed around.

298
00:17:46,815 --> 00:17:49,204
Do you get it?

299
00:17:53,855 --> 00:17:57,814
- I wonder if he was on disability...
- Don't start.

300
00:17:57,855 --> 00:18:01,131
(Snorts) Oh, dear me.

301
00:18:05,495 --> 00:18:07,486
Do you remember our Frank?

302
00:18:07,535 --> 00:18:11,005
Goes in the Feathers,
sits under the dartboard.

303
00:18:11,055 --> 00:18:13,728
Tell you what, he's the spitting image

304
00:18:13,775 --> 00:18:17,768
of that Karl Malden from
The Streets Of San Francisco, isn't he?

305
00:18:17,815 --> 00:18:22,252
He's got like a little arse
on the end of his nose.

306
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:25,369
Ah, he's had a hard life, old Frank.

307
00:18:25,415 --> 00:18:30,443
He's not making it any easier
sitting under the bloody dartboard.

308
00:18:30,495 --> 00:18:35,489
He's a stubborn old bugger. He says
he was there before that dartboard.

309
00:18:36,375 --> 00:18:40,846
- I saw him yesterday.
- Where, in the eye hospital?

310
00:18:43,695 --> 00:18:47,483
Ah, no. He was asleep in a bus shelter.

311
00:18:47,535 --> 00:18:49,526
- Ah.
- Oh, was he?

312
00:18:49,575 --> 00:18:51,372
(Barbara) Poor Frank.

313
00:18:59,015 --> 00:19:01,085
(Jim) Take a biscuit, Antony.

314
00:19:05,815 --> 00:19:09,171
- (Doorbell)
- Get that, Antony.

315
00:19:09,215 --> 00:19:11,854
I have to do everything round here.

316
00:19:11,895 --> 00:19:14,887
Might be Snow White
looking for you, Grumpy!

317
00:19:14,935 --> 00:19:17,051
- (Denise laughs)
- God.

318
00:19:17,095 --> 00:19:20,974
- It's all right. It's only Dave.
- You all right?

319
00:19:21,015 --> 00:19:23,734
- (Denise) Hiya, Dave.
- Hiya, kiddo.

320
00:19:23,775 --> 00:19:28,291
- (Barbara) You all right?
- Yeah, smashing, thanks, Barbara.

321
00:19:29,735 --> 00:19:32,169
- Have you had your tea, Dave?
- Yeah.

322
00:19:32,215 --> 00:19:34,775
- What'd you have?
- Sausage and chips.

323
00:19:34,815 --> 00:19:37,807
- Any gravy?
- No, me mam couldn't be arsed.

324
00:19:37,855 --> 00:19:41,052
Oh, I don't blame her. It's nearly summer.

325
00:19:42,975 --> 00:19:46,524
- You all right, Dave?
- Yeah.

326
00:19:46,575 --> 00:19:49,533
How's your dad?

327
00:19:49,575 --> 00:19:53,045
- He's all right, thanks, Jim.
- How's his leg?

328
00:19:53,095 --> 00:19:55,529
- It's OK.
- Oh, good.

329
00:19:55,575 --> 00:19:59,773
- Tell him I was asking.
- I will, yeah. Thanks.

330
00:19:59,815 --> 00:20:03,808
Have I given you
one of my business cards, James?

331
00:20:09,215 --> 00:20:13,333
What's this, soft lad? "You've heard
the rest. Now hear the Best."

332
00:20:13,375 --> 00:20:16,765
"Dave Best and Denise Royle.
Mobile disco."

333
00:20:16,815 --> 00:20:19,488
You won't pull any birds
with her bloody name on it.

334
00:20:19,535 --> 00:20:24,051
Shut it, Dad.
Hey, Dave, these are brilliant.

335
00:20:24,095 --> 00:20:26,450
- How much were they?
- Three notes.

336
00:20:26,495 --> 00:20:30,090
- Each?
- No, for 50. Knutsford service station.

337
00:20:30,135 --> 00:20:33,093
I'll give Tony Macca one, Duckers, Gary.

338
00:20:33,135 --> 00:20:36,923
You give 'em people you don't know.
They're your mates.

339
00:20:36,975 --> 00:20:39,205
I want them to know I'm doing well,
don't I?

340
00:20:39,255 --> 00:20:41,894
Don't just go wasting 'em, Dave.

341
00:20:41,935 --> 00:20:43,926
- Do you want one, Mam?
- Yeah.

342
00:20:43,975 --> 00:20:47,206
One for me and
I'll have another for the baker's.

343
00:20:47,255 --> 00:20:51,453
- Antony, you're not having one.
- Well, hey, I'm bothered.

344
00:20:51,495 --> 00:20:54,407
- Give us a couple for me mam.
- Wort be any left.

345
00:20:54,455 --> 00:20:56,889
Richard Branson
must be quaking in his boots,

346
00:20:56,935 --> 00:21:01,531
with businessmen like you about,
eh, Dave?

347
00:21:01,575 --> 00:21:04,135
Well, get the old paper.

348
00:21:07,735 --> 00:21:11,205
- Go for an Eartha Kitt.
- Dad!

349
00:21:11,255 --> 00:21:13,246
Good old Eartha!

350
00:21:22,175 --> 00:21:23,210
(Party blower on TV)

351
00:21:23,255 --> 00:21:27,612
I've never met a child who didn't
have a great time at McDonald's,

352
00:21:27,655 --> 00:21:31,773
where they kicked off the craze
for restaurant parties...

353
00:21:31,815 --> 00:21:36,047
Hey, Cheryl got a gorgeous top
off the market today.

354
00:21:36,095 --> 00:21:38,086
Did she? What's it like?

355
00:21:38,135 --> 00:21:41,844
- Blue. Gorgeous, it is.
- Oh, sounds lovely.

356
00:21:44,295 --> 00:21:46,331
- Are you getting one?
- Yeah.

357
00:21:46,375 --> 00:21:49,367
- Get me one as well, then.
- OK.

358
00:21:51,055 --> 00:21:53,728
Hey, do you know my suede boots
out of the catalogue?

359
00:21:53,775 --> 00:21:54,764
Yeah.

360
00:21:54,815 --> 00:21:58,364
I don't want them any more.
Buckle's broke. Do you want 'em?

361
00:21:58,415 --> 00:22:03,364
Ooh, yeah. You haven't finished
paying for them, have you?

362
00:22:03,415 --> 00:22:06,248
- No.
- Shall I pay the rest, then?

363
00:22:06,295 --> 00:22:08,684
Yeah, all right.

364
00:22:10,975 --> 00:22:16,572
Hey, you, what we doing? Shall we go
down the Feathers for the last hour?

365
00:22:16,615 --> 00:22:19,004
- No, I'm knackered.
- Oh.

366
00:22:20,735 --> 00:22:24,364
I'm not mithered, anyway. We can
always stop in and watch the telly.

367
00:22:24,415 --> 00:22:27,213
- Mm. Is there owt on?
- (Denise) No.

368
00:22:28,655 --> 00:22:31,533
We might as well
go down the Feathers, then.

369
00:22:31,575 --> 00:22:33,850
You were too knackered to go
a minute ago.

370
00:22:33,895 --> 00:22:37,649
- Let him go for a drink if he wants.
- I just asked him.

371
00:22:37,695 --> 00:22:40,892
- He said he was too knackered.
- Do you wanna go or what?

372
00:22:40,935 --> 00:22:43,324
I wanted to go in the first place.

373
00:22:44,215 --> 00:22:46,888
I'm not going now anyway.
You've annoyed me.

374
00:22:46,935 --> 00:22:48,926
(Footsteps on stairs)

375
00:22:51,095 --> 00:22:53,211
(Jim chuckles) If you lot take my advice,

376
00:22:53,255 --> 00:22:56,486
you won't go near that lavatory
for at least half an hour.

377
00:22:56,535 --> 00:23:00,210
And whatever you do,
don't strike a bloody match.

378
00:23:00,255 --> 00:23:04,248
- Dad, we've got company.
- It's only Dave. He's as bad.

379
00:23:04,295 --> 00:23:07,651
Why do you have to announce it
every time you go to the toilet?

380
00:23:07,695 --> 00:23:10,414
I'm only making polite conversation.

381
00:23:10,455 --> 00:23:15,085
- What's it to do with her?
- We could do without it, thanks.

382
00:23:15,135 --> 00:23:19,287
And why do you buy that cheap toilet
paper? It's cutting my arse to ribbons.

383
00:23:19,335 --> 00:23:22,327
Mam, tell him.
He's doing it on purpose now.

384
00:23:22,375 --> 00:23:25,572
When I was buying the dear stuff
you complained.

385
00:23:25,615 --> 00:23:27,014
- I didn't.
- You did.

386
00:23:27,055 --> 00:23:30,092
Said you may as well
wipe your arse on pound notes.

387
00:23:30,135 --> 00:23:32,933
Oh, yeah, I did, yeah.

388
00:23:35,015 --> 00:23:37,210
I did, yeah.

389
00:23:37,255 --> 00:23:41,248
Plus, the birthday child gets a rucksack
and a photograph.

390
00:23:42,295 --> 00:23:44,013
(Car horn)

391
00:23:44,055 --> 00:23:46,808
Are we going down the Feathers
or what?

392
00:23:46,855 --> 00:23:50,814
- You said you werert going.
- He's doing my head in now.

393
00:23:52,095 --> 00:23:55,292
- Who stunk that toilet out?
- Who do you think?

394
00:23:55,335 --> 00:23:57,974
Well, where do you expect me to shit?

395
00:23:58,015 --> 00:24:02,964
You'd have something to complain
about if I crapped in the kitchen.

396
00:24:03,015 --> 00:24:06,803
Hey, look. Hey, Jacko's got a new motor.

397
00:24:06,855 --> 00:24:09,244
What? Let's have a look.

398
00:24:10,975 --> 00:24:13,967
(Dave) That's not new. That's L reg, that.

399
00:24:19,335 --> 00:24:21,644
(Denise) Hey, look at Lorraine

400
00:24:21,695 --> 00:24:24,926
coming out to have a look at it
in her leggings.

401
00:24:24,975 --> 00:24:28,172
She never has them leggings off, her.

402
00:24:28,215 --> 00:24:33,005
Mam, come and look at Lorraine looking
at Jacko's car in her leggings.

403
00:24:37,415 --> 00:24:40,771
(Barbara) Ooh. She never wears nowt
but them leggings, her.

404
00:24:40,815 --> 00:24:44,205
- That's how they can afford a car.
- (Barbara) Hey, hey.

405
00:24:44,255 --> 00:24:47,645
Look at Carol across the road
gawping through t'window.

406
00:24:47,695 --> 00:24:48,684
(Laughter)

407
00:24:48,735 --> 00:24:54,412
She's a nosy devil, her. You'd think
she'd never seen a car before.

408
00:24:54,455 --> 00:24:58,846
(Denise) Oh, no. Lorraine isn't
gonna drive it in her slippers, is she?

409
00:25:00,015 --> 00:25:05,009
(Dave) He's not gonna let her drive that.
She's always bladdered.

410
00:25:08,015 --> 00:25:12,133
(Denise) How much more
can they look at that car?

411
00:25:12,175 --> 00:25:15,292
Look at her getting the manual out.

412
00:25:15,335 --> 00:25:18,327
As if she knows what she's looking at.

413
00:25:20,015 --> 00:25:22,165
What sort is it?

414
00:25:22,215 --> 00:25:24,649
- (Antony) A Sierra.
- An estate?

415
00:25:24,695 --> 00:25:27,732
- (Antony) No, it's a saloon.
- Hatchback?

416
00:25:28,495 --> 00:25:33,011
- Come and look yourself!
- You're one lazy little sod, you.

417
00:25:34,575 --> 00:25:37,043
(Barbara) It's a red one, Jim.

418
00:25:37,095 --> 00:25:41,407
- What's the bodywork like?
- I've just told you. It's red.

419
00:25:41,455 --> 00:25:45,653
Thank you very much,
Jeremy bloody Clarkson.

420
00:25:45,695 --> 00:25:49,847
I'm winding him up,
telling him he's been ripped off big style.

421
00:25:49,895 --> 00:25:52,011
You don't know how much he paid for it.

422
00:25:52,055 --> 00:25:55,968
I'm only winding him up.
Whatever it is, it's too much, innit?

423
00:25:56,015 --> 00:25:59,610
- Hey, I'm going watching this.
- (Dave) Hey, Jacko!

424
00:25:59,655 --> 00:26:05,605
Ooh, look at these windows.
When did they last come, Jim?

425
00:26:08,175 --> 00:26:11,212
Ah, look at Dave.

426
00:26:11,935 --> 00:26:14,529
He's got no absolutely no arse,
has he?

427
00:26:14,575 --> 00:26:16,566
No.

428
00:26:17,895 --> 00:26:21,444
- Hey, irt our Antony gangly?
- Yeah.

429
00:26:23,015 --> 00:26:26,451
I'm not gangly
and Jim's definitely not gangly.

430
00:26:26,495 --> 00:26:28,804
I don't know where that comes from.

431
00:26:28,855 --> 00:26:34,213
- I'm not gangly, am I, Mam?
- You're never gangly, you, love.

432
00:26:34,255 --> 00:26:37,292
I'm gonna have a bath.

433
00:26:37,335 --> 00:26:41,851
Mam, will you check the toilet
and see if it still stinks from him?

434
00:26:41,895 --> 00:26:44,534
There's a chance it'll be all right now.
Iove.

435
00:26:44,575 --> 00:26:46,566
I'm not breathing in.

436
00:26:53,335 --> 00:26:55,929
(David Attenborough)
The sentinel has seen

437
00:26:55,975 --> 00:26:58,443
another team of meerkats
in the distance.

438
00:26:58,495 --> 00:27:00,326
Just the glimpse of another gang...

439
00:27:00,375 --> 00:27:04,004
Me dad'll be dead 20 years come
tomorrow.

440
00:27:04,055 --> 00:27:06,853
He was only the same age
as me when he died, you know.

441
00:27:06,895 --> 00:27:09,363
Shut up, Jim. Don't be so maudlin.

442
00:27:09,415 --> 00:27:12,771
Mind you, he was
a right little shithouse to me mam.

443
00:27:12,815 --> 00:27:15,534
You shouldn't speak ill of the dead.

444
00:27:15,575 --> 00:27:18,328
I don't think your mam's got too long
to go, has she?

445
00:27:18,375 --> 00:27:21,014
- Jim!
- Well, she's had a bloody good innings.

446
00:27:21,055 --> 00:27:23,489
You're a miserable sod,
you are, sometimes.

447
00:27:23,535 --> 00:27:25,890
What kind of a thing is that
to say to anybody?

448
00:27:25,935 --> 00:27:29,291
I think I've cheered meself up a bit.
Any Penguins left?

449
00:27:29,375 --> 00:27:30,364
No.

450
00:27:30,415 --> 00:27:34,408
The away team stares back
and then push forward.

451
00:27:35,935 --> 00:27:38,654
Is there owt on, Jim?

452
00:27:38,695 --> 00:27:40,731
No.

453
00:27:40,775 --> 00:27:46,168
Food and shelter are of paramount
importance to every individual...

454
00:27:46,215 --> 00:27:48,206
Jim.

455
00:27:49,015 --> 00:27:50,414
Jim.

456
00:27:50,455 --> 00:27:51,808
The opponents withdraw.

457
00:27:51,855 --> 00:27:54,130
Do you fancy an early night?

458
00:27:54,175 --> 00:27:56,769
There must be bloody something on,
mustrt there?

459
00:27:56,815 --> 00:27:58,533
...responsible for disasters...

460
00:27:58,575 --> 00:28:01,408
♪ So what do you say?

461
00:28:01,455 --> 00:28:06,051
♪ You can't give me the dreams
that are mine anyway

462
00:28:06,095 --> 00:28:09,371
♪ Half the world away

463
00:28:10,295 --> 00:28:13,810
♪ Half the world away

464
00:28:14,415 --> 00:28:17,885
♪ Half the world away

465
00:28:17,935 --> 00:28:24,090
♪ I've been lost, I've been found
but I don't feel down

466
00:28:24,135 --> 00:28:27,491
♪ No, I don't feel down

467
00:28:28,255 --> 00:28:31,372
♪ No, I don't feel down ♪
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